Do we always feel this much? I'm scared

So I’ve been feeling a lot lately, I’m not too sure if it’s been more than usual or if our emotions are smaller in hindsight but I feel like everything is swirling around inside of me.

Isn’t it weird how we feel our emotions physically,

like how can it be that I feel these things in my stomach?

I’ve been feeling the highs more, the lows more,

and every other side-to-side direction more intensely.

I don’t know if there have been triggers, but something has been happening and I’m more aware of everything that I feel.

There’s so much to think about.

It can be hard to let go.

I’m not sure which direction I should be following these thoughts but I’m kind of enjoying it.

Not sure how many of you remember my chaos era which I decisively concluded sometime earlier this year.

Either way, I’m still learning from it.

We are fully in control of our own lives and I’m still not quite used to it.

Things have been scaring me a lot lately.

I thought I was settled, but my feathers have been ruffled, or maybe I’ve been woken up, I feel like I’m starting again.

Is this life?

As soon as we feel a little bit of stillness things change and spice things up for us.

Because if it is, then good, I don’t want to be stagnant.

I think that at one point in my life, I believed I could fully understand myself and figure out the perfect way to lead my life through enough discovery, but I’m starting to realise that that isn’t the case.

I’m never going to fully understand myself, no matter how much I treat myself as my own therapist.

I’m always doing things that surprise me, and scare me, and annoy me, and bring me joy, and I can never tell what’s coming next, even if I think I do.

I guess it’s about trust though isn’t it.

I’m trusting more, in myself, and in the universe.

She’s been presenting me with opportunities that I don’t know how to handle.

I’ve been having mental wars with myself.

There’s that quote about feeling the fear and facing it and

I feel like that’s been leading me recently.

Every day I feel like I’m on the edge of a huge drop, one foot off the edge ready to jump.

I’m terrified, but also there’s excitement as well.

I close my eyes, take a breath, and step out.

Maybe that’s where the feelings in my stomach are coming from.

You know when you are falling really fast, I think it’s the same feeling.

I’m scared, I’m nervous, I’m falling,

maybe I’m flying.

I was pottery painting the other week and couldn’t help but listen to these two girls’ conversation next to me.

One of them said that nerves and excitement are the same feeling, it’s just how we frame them, and I didn’t even have to think about it, I knew she was right.

It also reminded me something of my mum once told me years ago, that nerves mean you care about what is to come, they are a good thing.

So maybe I don’t know what there is to come, but I’m nervous, so I guess I’m excited and I care. I’m taking the step, I’m falling, I’m flying.

I’m moving into unknown territories, or places I’ve been before and forgotten about.

Our brains can do crazy things, and I’m always discovering what mine is doing.

I met up with a songwriter friend recently and we got onto the topic of songwriting as a form of therapy.

I write most of my songs on my own, and it means I spend a lot of time thinking, inspecting, and analysing how I feel.

Like I’m my own therapist, I’m thinking about why I feel these things, whether it’s good or bad, or neither.

It can be exhilarating making breakthroughs in my own little head, but also confusing.

How can we not understand ourselves?

If we aren’t in control of ourselves then who is?

So me and my friend were discussing, do you have to be a personal therapist to be a songwriter, or does writing songs cause you to become one?

And I can’t understand what’s going on in other people’s heads if they aren’t thinking about who they are, what they are doing, the things they do, why they do them, where they want to go, who they want to meet, and trying to find out all the reasons behind these things.

Another friend of mine told me that she believes she can accurately guess what most of her friends are thinking about the majority of the time. (This conversation stemmed from the ‘boyfriends thinking about the Roman Empire’ trend).

She said that mine is myself.

Honestly, I agree.

I don’t think there’s any way for that to not sound self-absorbed, but I think it would be the same with most songwriters.

I’m transforming my life experience into music, trying to decipher all these thoughts and weird stomach feelings into words that make sense, and melodies that sound nice.

It’s a heavy cognitive load to take on so no wonder I’m thinking about myself a lot of the time.

I’m aware that what I’m writing here is so abstract and making very little sense but I guess that’s part of the process of figuring things out.

I’m currently in the fog, and when it clears things will make more sense, but for now, I’m just trusting, feeling the fear, and taking the step.

I’m making sure to hold onto those moments that will become memories as much as possible in the present.

Taking a little mental picture and savouring it as it happens.

Now I should probably update you with like what’s actually been happening in my life, not just my inner musings.

I’ve joined a gymnastics club again and have been re-learning all of my old tricks, which has been slightly terrifying, but also thrilling (and my body aches in ways I haven’t felt for years)

I spent 4 days turning my blood into pure alcohol on a trip to Belfast with friends from work but had the most incredible time, feeling immense amounts of love and gratitude for the people in my life, that when I returned home I immediately wrote a song as a way to get it out of me

CLICK TO LISTEN

I went to my first ever Hen Do and was the designated stripper which I believe is my backup job if music doesn’t work out since it went down a treat. (Open to enquiries?)

you're not getting the full video sorry

Oh yeah, music. That project of 5 songs I’m working on?

Song #1 is completely finished, mastered, and ready to go.

Song #2 is currently getting mixed, and I’m just putting the finishing touches on song #3.

I’m now going to have to start thinking about cover art etc. and I can’t even begin to know where to start.

I hosted Joe’s Bedroom Sessions #2 with special guest Bess Shooter my very good friend and housemate.

Such a good night where I forced my friends to listen to me sing for 30 minutes but repaid them by giving them food and wine.

Thank you to all those who joined me, and can’t wait for those in the future.

see, literally forcing them to listen

and the food I repaid them with

And for the first time since living away from home, I’ve got an actual real Christmas tree which I’m very excited by.

Bess and I traversed some local charity shops for the decorations and found what is absolutely necessary for every Christmas tree, obviously a very large furry spider (although he prefers Daniel).

Now here are some pictures: